The Elephant in the Room

Chad had no idea why he had chosen to break up with Ashley as they bounced and swayed on an elephant in a southeast Asian jungle. It didn’t occur to him that once the break had been made, they’d have to bounce and sway back to the minivan, where they’d bounce and sway back to the hotel and then sit rigidly cramped together for the 14-hour flight back home. Had he thought of those obvious consequences, he might have waited until they were safely re-embedded in their natural habitat in 17A Driscoll Lane.

Maybe it was the way she had laid her body on the elephant, hugging it and telling it what an “amazing and good boy” it was. Or how her face seemed to be stuck in a permanent grin since they’d climbed the bamboo bench perched atop the creature, how she nearly bent in half giving a “wai” to the confused young boy who sat shirtless and shoeless on the elephant’s neck with a small whip.

They’d been in Thailand for 3 days and Chad thought if she didn’t stop smiling and saying the word, “amazing”, he was going to have to kill her.

Ashley had been dreaming of this trip for a year and when they finally booked all the flights and hotels, she talked about it as if it were the last thing she would ever do. Given Chad’s feelings about her on the trip, perhaps It would be. There was a map on the fridge with places they were going highlighted in a coding system far too complicated for Chad to feign interest in. Guidebooks towered on her bedside table with post-it notes protruding from all directions and he’d been forced to watch at least 20 clips of other people’s badly shot vacation footage on youtube.

On the front door of their apartment hung a huge brightly coloured poster of “Ashley & Chad’s Bucket List”, so that he was able to see it when he left in the morning and the first thing when he returned and hung up his jacket. Ride an elephant; snorkel over a reef; eat an insect; feed a monkey; ride a train; pray in a temple; eat one new dish a day; ride in a tuk-tuk.

It wasn’t that Chad felt no excitement for the trip. He’d suffered like everyone else through the grey and oppressively wet winter and quite longed for a cold beer on a hot white sand beach. He’d been to Australia and Spain but never any place “exotic” and the thought of eyeing a few Asian beauties surreptitiously from behind his sunglasses filled him with a bit of boyish glee.

As the day drew nearer, Ashley’s squeals, gasps, and gushings became more pronounced, her eyes and smile widened into a permanent state of awe. Chad dreaded getting on the plane and when it did finally lift off into the night sky, he drank a series of rum and cokes and almost became as excited as his companion.

When Ashley finally drifted off while watching a film, Chad closed his eyes and tried to “get inside himself”, a phrase he had always used when he needed to figure out the source of a feeling that lingered like an itch. More specifically, why did the sight of Ashley’s slumped head make him want to stab himself in the eye with a fork?

They had met as most suburban people of their generation did, in a bar. He was struck by her immediately and even impressed himself when he used the rather bloated word, “vivacious” to describe her to his pals. His father, when asking after Ashley, always followed the question with, “That girl lights up a room like a 100-watter!”

She smiled at everyone and everything and had such a natural positive attitude that she didn’t post motivational and inspirational memes like most secretly depressed people do. He liked that. And he needed her energy to shed some light on his flat, grey, miserable soul. But sitting on the plane feeling the rum course through his inactive limbs, he realised he was suffering sunstroke from being with this woman. Where was her darkness or depth of character? Why instead of existential angst on a Sunday afternoon, she was happily folding laundry and making lists of dinners for the week? Why instead of feeling the relentless grind of suburban 9-5 life, she just planned a holiday? Was she the one who had it right and he had his internal perspective all wrong? Had she just been born with the natural gift of mindfulness and the ability to be happy? He realised he hated her.

Tired and overfed on plane food, they stepped into the roaring mugginess of Bangkok. Ashley charmed her way into overpaying 1000 baht on the taxi fare as she chatted with the driver who only understood, “American” and “first time”. 

For the first two days, Chad lived a double life. He let himself be dragged to temples and markets and can be seen smiling in every photo that hasn’t been destroyed from that trip. He fawned over cheap souvenirs and heartily ate every dish placed before him. But inside he was plotting an escape and imagining his new life in a Spartan apartment with a grumpy but loyal Boxer dog. He imagined the pleasure in not having to speak, smile, or muster enthusiasm. He could taste the tanginess of unstructured and unlimited time.

What he didn’t imagine was that Ashley had been having her own fantasies. She had been certain Chad would propose on this romantic, exotic adventure. Every place on her itinerary was a perfect and memorable spot to start the course of a marriage.

So when Chad turned, whispering her name and grasping her hands tightly as they swayed atop the gentle pachyderm, she didn’t catch the wince in his voice. Instead, she giggled and blurted out “Yes of course I’ll marry you!”

And that was the last time he ever saw her smile.